I damaged my penis 'jelqing' and it is destroying my life

Alright, so this happened early January. I am in my early 20's and was in the middle of a fling with this girl I was really into. She mentions she's messed around with guys who have giant monster dicks, mine was literally in her hand. I don't think she understood how inconsiderate that was at the time, and she immediately followed up with how it isn't something that matters to her. I know this is really weird but I don't know how this was really brought up, we were both really drunk. It was in the moment so I kinda just brushed it off. Now I don't have a small dick at all, it is average length and far above average girth. But of course I get jealous and look up jelqing, go to town, and fucking hurt myself. Just to be clear I am not blaming this girl for this, it was 100% my insecurity.

For almost two weeks I couldn't get hard at all, now I can get probably 90 percent erections. But they don't come near as easily, my dick hurts, it's lost sensation in some areas, I have a firm flaccid and it feels cold and lifeless sometimes, I've lost some girth and I can't really get back to back erections. I've been to three urologists and the only real advice they've given me is to take vitamin E and wait and see. Since the initial improvement it has kinda stayed the same. I saw one yesterday and he just said give it time, but I'm really starting to think that if it hasn't really improved in over a month it's just not going to. I tried to specifically ask the uro about this and he kinda danced around it, not super comforting... I am/was a very sexual person, much more than the average guy, most of my friends anyway. I wasn't having a ton of sex, it was just something I was extremely, shamelessly passionate about. Probably more so than anything else in my life, and I was fucking good at it. I did not need to do this to myself, I just got greedy. Now I feel like I need to take on a new personality to be happy again. The thought of sex used to be exhilarating, now it's just depressing.

Since this happened I've simply been a different person, it is constantly on my mind. I started getting uncomfortable around this girl who I was falling for pretty hard. I won't get into the details but it's pretty much over now, which is totally secondary but also sucks. We haven't hooked up since it happened. I can't focus in class, my grades are slipping after finally getting back in to school. I've started smoking pot regularly again. I can't comfortably have the same conversations about girls with my friends and am just generally depressed all the time. Most of the time I just want to lay in bed all day and not have to do anything. Part of it is how private of a matter it is, I can't really share this with anybody other than my extremely close friends. It's like my deep dark secret that's killing me inside. I would honestly cut my fucking hand or foot off if I knew it would make it all better. Before this happened I was happier than I'd been in years. I was just getting my life back together and had a really great girl showing some genuine interest in me. Now all of a sudden I'm missing the days of sitting in my apartment alone smoking pot, not studying and generally wasting my life away (my life after high school until about a year ago). Which was depressing but at least my dick worked!

I wouldn't go through with it but I do have suicidal thoughts, I have a great family and a close group of friends that would be absolutely devastated. Also, it's still a little early to get this drastic but the clock is ticking on whether or not ill ever be 100%. Sometimes I wish a fucking tree branch would fall on my head and just put me out of my misery. I know it sounds extreme but I feel that the greatest passion of my life has just been ripped away and I refuse to accept that. A life without great sex is not a life I'm interested in. Some of you may think my priorities are fucked but that is what's important to me. So yeah, off my chest.